I felt empty, and that was scary. What would this mean, miles apart? What would we do? I felt sad, and I tried with every ounce of my being not to. But I craved the sound of your breathing. I hoped for some recognition that you were still there. I wanted to feel you next to me, because I knew it was going to be a long night. I was aware that every time my body fell into surrender, I would be frantically and desperately trying to escape.
Hell is empty, all the demons are here.
This feeling. It takes me back to him, and then to you. How fresh it will forever remain in my mind. And ache, for impossible. To despise change. To be curious as to how cruel life and the world and you can be. Missing you. Your face. Your hands. Your love. Feeling empty, and dissatisfied with everything.
I drank to forget such nostalgia. The kind I felt for you. For us. And everything we were. It was a hot, bright summer. Fillied with love and sun. I missed how you said my name, and how you held my face. I missed how we loved each other. Today marks a year of all the words you said. That stole my heart, and captivated my mind and made me new. Beautiful. The last thing i’ll ever remember you as.
Fear. It was like a bullet to my most intimate dreams. One that stole my soul, and everything that came with it. It left me desolate and dry. It pushed me. Made me want things, I was not allowed to want. Like an aching for a moment in the air..
I hate sleep. And it’s all I do. I’ve disconnected with the world, because the world does not want me. And I do not want the world.
It’s that moment. The pang, that reminds you.. you aren’t “it”. You aren’t enough. You never will be.
It makes you sick to your stomach.
Makes your hands feel.. loose.
Your legs tremble beneath you.
And then, you fall.
I need reasurance going into this day, this week, this time.
I’m scared of every yesterday from before.
I want to know, it was okay. I want it all to pass, because i can’t scrape off the dirt and grime this time. I am afraid.
Let it pass, let it pass, let it pass.
And please dear god.. don’t hurt me.
Don’t break all trust i’ve ever had in you.
You can hurt me.
I have never felt so tired and restless my whole life.
And it changed my life.
You had me. Whether for cruel intentions or innocent.
But now theres a fine line, between anything.
And maybe, you did lose something.
And maybe you didn’t.
I will love you until the end of time. And after.
It would be nice to be invited by you to do something. It would be nice to be invited by anyone. I’m sick of making all the plans. I’m sick of every one sided friendship i’ve ever come to experience. You said, you would try. But it seems like it’s getting worse sometimes. I’m tired of asking you, if you want to do something, and having to explain myself. Maybe if you wanted to do something in the first place, you would of put out.. and asked me. But you haven’t. And i’m set that you won’t. I can’t keep trying all by myself. Because the feeling of disinterest is too strong at times.
How cruel is cruel? How cruel can you be?
I might not say much, but i’m aware of everything. The silence, does not falter my own existence. The silence is me, screaming.
This isn’t some stupid lecture. It’s me saying something, to speak. No matter how small the form.
But don’t pass it over, as insignificant.
Know your actions, disprove all your words.
And before you know it, maybe it’s what you wanted, I will be lost.
Trauma is one of the scariest things ever. For sure, no doubt about it. Traumatizing events inevitably lead to traumatized people. It’s the laws of living.
I’ve had my fair share of mayhem or just oblivion in my life. I’ve experienced things people fear of ever experiencing.
And you know the even scarier part? The fact that you don’t know where to go when its over.
When your friends leave. Things change when your alone. Without distraction, you’re a vegetable. Wishing that people were around. Wishing for someone to just walk in and be there for you. Someone not to give you that speech you don’t wanna hear. Just..that person.
Someone who will take the trauma away, if only for a second.
Someone who brings peace to your very head, heart and soul.